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MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
by
Radhapada Das
Jaya Radhe!
My name is Radhapada Das, formerly known as
Rati Das. After spending 20 years in
ISKCON (more or less, in good times and bad)
I received diksa
from the
Mahanta of
Radhakunda, Baba Sri Ananta Das Pandit.
One may ask what prompted me to do it?
Basically, I did it because I didn’t see any light
coming from the end of the ISKCON tunnel. In
other words, I didn’t see even a ray of
hope for discovering my spiritual identity
(spiritual svarupa), nor did I get any
guidence
in geniune raganuga-bhakti.
(Bhakti that takes as its model the
passionate love for Krsna of the people of Vraja, that is, the close
servants, friends, parents, and lovers of his
youthful days in the land of Vraja)
Now, some may say, and especially those who
knew me as Rati Das, that I was too
impatient. I should have given it more time.
More than anything, I should get more strict
and serious about spiritual life as given to
devotees in ISKCON by Srila Prabhupada. In
answer to them I say that I gave it plenty of
time. Second there are those a thousand
times more serious and strict than me in
ISKCON, whom I don’t see as having attained
any profound level of spiritual advancement
or as being able to teach the techniques of
raganugabhajana. Don’t get me wrong, there are advanced
devotees in ISKCON, but only
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by ISKCON standards. There are many who have
a taste for chanting the Holy Name in
kirtan or in japa and others that can give great talks on the
philosophy and the pastimes.
There are many who can perform austerities
like nirjal
ekadashi´s and
relish deity
worship, and also there are devotees who
simply like to talk about Krsna Of course, we
cannot forget the great souls who have taken
the message of Krsna a to the farthest and
most remote regions of the world. Certainly
they all are worthy of my deepest respect and
veneration. Yes, there are quite a few
dedicated devotees serving in a selfless manner.
However, I really don’t believe that there
are devotees of this institution or of the
Gaudiya Mataha that are having revelations
like those described in the biographies of the
great siddha-s and in the Goswami grantha-s [writings]. In my own personal life, I have
felt a vivid transformation of consciousness
after taking diksa
from my
Gurudeva in
Radha Kunda. It is said that diksa is the process by which
transcendental knowledge is
transmitted into the heart and obstacles are
destroyed. I can honestly say that this was
what I experienced after diksa. The many years of hearing
and chanting the songs and
teachings of Narottama Dasa Thakura and
Bhaktivinoda finally cystalized in my
consciousness. No longer were these teachings
some mysterious puzzle that I would solve
only after death. They were manifesting
themselves to me directly. These teachings were
slowly being unpacked out of the mystery box
and becoming tools for bhajan
[personal
worship]. The teachings of the Goswamis were
becoming more meaningful to me. In
addition, it became more and more apparent
that what I had been practicing before was
not the real bhakti-sadhana [the practice of bhakti] of a follower of
Sriman
Mahaprabhu’s sampradaya [community].
I must admit that after twenty years of
hearing Vaisnava aparadha
[offensive
language or
behavior directed at Vaisnavas] of the
devotees of true sampradaya-s, I was a little
skeptical about the authencity of the Gaudiya
Vaisnava guru-pranali
[lineage of
teachers],
known to most devotees in ISKCON as the Babajis. When I first used to visit
Radhakunda during the month of Kartik, I had
no connection with what was going on
there, other than hoping that one day, I
would attain some krpa
[mercy] from
Sri Radha
by bathing there at Sri Kunda, doing parikrama [circumambulation] and
listening to
Krsna lila [pastime] lectures by an ISKCON sannyasi's [renunciant] there. The
world of
the Gaudiya Vaisnava-s seemed alien to me. I
could not relate to the austere appearances
of the devotees and places there, especially
when I had been hearing for years that
everyone there is a dreaded sahajiya However, just before and
after my wife and I
became truly initiated, as we began to become
familiar with the Vaisnavas and the
environment, we began to discover a richness
there undescribable by words, but available
through experience. Behind the hard, austere
appearances of the devotees that we met,
we noticed very blissful personalities among
them. Sometimes they appeared to me to
possess intoxicated feelings of inner bliss
that I had not seen in ISKCON or Gaudiya
Matha devotees. My experience in ISKCON was
that despite the opulent surroundings of
devotees, many appear morose, uptight or
anxious. After some time in ISKCON, I began
to seriously consider that I joined a
religious society that promised to free one from the
problems of life, viz. birth, death, old age
and disease, but that failed to give to many even
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basic satisfaction or peace of mind.
Moreover, the lives of many of these devotees were
plagued with the ongoing, tumultuous problems
raging within the ISKCON society itself.
My wife and I became acquainted with a German
lady named Anuradha initiated by
Prana Krishna Baba of Radhakunda. We would
visit her often in her humble room in
front of Radhakunda. One day, when we came to
visit her, there was a devotee there
from Switzerland whom I knew from before, who
had just received diksa
from Ananta
Das Pandit. When she announced that he
received diksa, something came over me. I
had
this incredible urge to take diksa also and I began to ask what
is being offered there
regarding spiritual life. They explained to
me:
siddha-pranali, (This is the same as
guru-pranali, the lineage of one’s gurus going back to the
immediate associates of Sri Caitanya, except that one is
taught their siddha
or eternal
names and
identities in Krsna’s sport).
manjari-svarupa (Manjari-svarupa Is the most
common identity adopted by the members of the
Caitanya tradition. It is the identity of a younger female
friend of Radha. The manjari
combines
feelings of friendship and desire for service
towards Radha. They thus often have access to the most
confidential interactions between Radha and
Krsna).
and manasi seva (This is service performed,
or rather visualized, in the mind. This is the major
method of learning and cultivating the identity of the manjari in Caitanya Vaisnavism).
Then I began to consider things more
carefully. I knew about these things before, having
read books by O.B.L. Kapoor and Bhaktivinoda
Thakura, but now I had encountered
devotees who were practicing it. In a few
days we were introduced to Ananta Das Pandit
and we began to visit him regularly and ask
many questions. I was encouraged to read his
translated commentary on Ragavartma-candrika by Srila Visvanatha
Cakravartipada,
which when I began reading I couldn’t put
down. I was blown away by the combination of
the deep philosophy of Visvanatha and Ananta
Das Pandit’s explanation of the verses
regarding raganuga-bhakti. I was convinced. My wife also read the book and
she was
eager to take diksa, too.
At that time, I was not so sure about the
break in the disciplic succession of
ISKCON/GM. I had heard something previously,
but it was not clear to me. I was not
very interested in the subject either. My
main concern was to step up into higher
education and become ”specialized” in
learning about manjari-bhava
upasana [the
method of worshiping with the feelings of a manjari], which I was convinced one
cannot
get in ISKCON/GM. I had had enough of the
”work now samadhi
[realization]
later”
philosophy. My membership in ISKCON was
already casual. I had lost faith in
gurus/GBCs and the teachings that went with
them. Going back home, ”back to
Godhead” by becoming a dedicated ISKCON
career member had lost its appeal for me
years ago. In the temple where my wife was
from in Slovenia, the leading book distributer
once gave a Srimad Bhagavata lecture and said that a
person who chanted the Holy
Name all day was a sahajiya. I even heard that in one kirtan there, while a devotee was
singing the names of Sri Radha, another
devotee plugged his ears with his fingers and
sung out: ”Jaya Visnupada, Jaya Visnupada”
(the name of his guru back then). So I had
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had enough of the un-Gaudiya Vaisnava,
offensive environment of ISKCON. I was
hoping deep in my heart for something better
to come my way. However, the issue about
leaving my ISKCON guru still disturbed me a
bit. I even remember crying one night
before I took diksa. Still, I felt that moving on was the proper thing
to do. And you know
something, after I did it, I never ever
regreted it!
One problem we faced was that my wife and I
were working as Gurukula teachers in the
ISKCON temple in Vrindaban. Our main concern
was how we were going to receive
diksa without letting anyone know. We wanted to stay in
Vrindaban, and I liked teaching;
we didn’t want to get kicked out. So the
solution was — don’t tell anybody. We were
undercover for over two years. Then slowly,
slowly, we started letting our guard down, till
eventually we were discovered. We saw it as
Sri Radharani’s krpa
telling us it
is time to
move on, to be true to ourselves, and to stop
hiding.
In the recent year I have come to terms with
the Bhaktisiddhanta issue, that is, his not
getting diksa from Gaurakisora Das Baba. I must admit it was
depressing to have the big
bubble pop regarding the things we were
taught about Bhaktisiddhanta, Bhaktivedanta
Swami, ISKCON/GM. I felt misled. Discovering
that one had spent twenty years living
and telling others about things that were not
a part of real Gaudiya Vaisnavism can be
disheartening. On the other hand, if it were
not for ISKCON, I would never have heard
about Sri Caitanya, Radha-Krsna, Vraja Dhama,
the Goswamis, and so forth. So I owe
ISKCON a great deal for pointing me in the
right direction. I think that I was probably
not ready for real bhajan back then, that I needed the
institutional teachings and facilities
to prepare me for the path of following the
Goswamis.
Sometime ago someone presented me with this
premise: ”Try to stretch your imagination.
What if a manjari from the spiritual world, Nayana Manjari (supposedly
the manjari
svarupa of Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati) decided to come down
to this world and start
his/her own lineage?” Could it be possible?
The first problem with that idea is why would
a nitya-siddha, an eternal associate from Vraja Dhama, descend to
this world without the
Lord’s association?
se saba sangir sange je kaila vilasa
se-sanga na paiya kande narottama dasa
Being unable to obtain the association of
Lord Gauranga, accompanied by all of these
devotees in whose association He performed
His pastimes, Narottama Das simply weeps.
It is generally observed that the nitya-siddha-s accompany the Lord when
He descends to
enact pastimes. If a parsada (eternal associate) of the
Lord did descend after God had
wound-up his pastimes in this world, then for
what purpose? Surely, it would be to teach
something to the world, especially to the devotees
of the Lord. It would be greatly
appreciated, glorified, and remembered for
all time to come by the Vaisnava community.
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However, from a historical point of view,
that was not the case with Bhaktisiddhanta
Saraswati. Except for among his followers, he
was not accepted within the mainstream of
Gaudiya Vaisnavism. Furthermore, he heavily
critized the Babajis and caste Goswamis,
the standard followers of Mahaprabhu. At
least in my opinion, it doesn’t seem likely that
an eternal associate of God, who embodies
transcendental emotions and sattvika
qualities [qualities of peacefulness and
goodness] would start a war with other devotees
of the Lord.
This was one of the issues I had sorted out
regarding my previous connection with
ISKCON/Gaudiya Math. I became convinced,
after objectively analyzing the evidence
available, that Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati did
not take diksa from Gaurakisora Dasa
Babaji, as claimed by ISKCON/GM. The result
is a spiritual practice within these
institutions that does not empower its
followers to relish and experience the topmost
spiritual flavors of the Vrajabhakti that Sriman Mahaprabhu has
kindly brought down
into this world, as documented and savoured
by the Lord’s confidential associates
themselves, the Goswamis of Vraja. When we
speak of ”a follower of Mahaprabhu” it
means a loyal adherent to the teachings and
conclusions written down by the revered
Goswamis. It is mentioned in Caitanya-caritamrta that Sriman Mahaprabhu
praised the
writings of Rupa Goswami, and He therefore blessed
him and asked all the other
associates to bless Rupa Goswami with the
power to describe bhakti. Similarly, the Lord
blessed Sanatana Goswami, Raghunatha Das
Goswami and so forth. There is no
entrance into the kingdom of madhurya-rasa [the experience of sweetness
or erotic love
for Krsna] in Vraja without accepting their
teachings, because they are Sriman
Mahaprabhu’s instruments for the propagation
of bhakti. Sriman Mahaprabhu is the
combined form of Sri Sri Radha-Krsna in
Vraja. Their confidantes, the manjaris,
descended in male forms as the Six Goswamis
of Vraja.
As I mentioned earlier, I was discovered in
ISKCON Vrindaban to have taken initiation
from Ananta Das Pandita Baba. This was one
reason for our leaving our service as
teachers there, although we were not kicked
out. Actually, the administrative heads there
were very kind to us throughout our service
there, as well as when our inner life and
connection with the Radhakunda Vaisnavas was
discovered. Our main consideration for
leaving was financial. It is tough to live in
Vrindaban as grhastha
[householder]
foreigners. We also anticipicated some
trouble from diehards within ISKCON. That was
another reason for our leaving. I have
probably disrupted relationships with devotees in
ISKCON and lost my status as an older devotee
and kirtan singer in the society.
However, I gained other friends, and
especially the merciful glances of some of the
Gaudiya Vaisnava residents of Radhakunda. I
did lose opportunities to lead kirtan in
ISKCON, but I got the opportunity to lead
them with the Gaudiya Vaisnavas near Sri
Radha’s Lake. In addition, I received a very
deep bhajan process, techniques in
remembering and worshiping Radha-Krsna. It is
a genuinely fulfilling and real internal
experience. This bhajan is not dependent on a
hierarchical system of managerial leaders
who may acknowledge your contributions or
not, or on enjoying the thrill of big festivals.
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It is the path of a life spent inwardly
cultivating your loving relationship with Sri Radha-
Krsna, guided mercifully by a true guru.
My humble advice is this for those who are
hesitant to traverse the path of bhajanas
taught by the Goswamis, starting with diksa in a bona-fide sampradaya: put aside the
deep-rooted misconceptions implanted by the
ISKCON/GM teachings against Babajis,
the siddha-pranali, smarana,
etc., and with a sincere heart, see if you really want to be a
true follower of the great Mahajans [saints].
Spend some time reading the Goswami
grantha-s [books] and associate with devotees who have
taken diksa in the authentic
Gaudiya Vaisnava lines.
Jaya Sri Radhe!
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